How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford professor, “Touchy Feely”)

Why are robust relationships important?

Robust relationships play a vital role in both personal and professional life. Their importance cannot be overstated. Here are some key benefits:

• Increased Personal Fulfillment: Meaningful relationships bring joy and a sense of belonging. They enhance emotional health and life satisfaction. Being connected to others provides support systems during tough times.

• Professional Success: People do business with people, not ideas or products. Effective relationships with colleagues, employers, and clients lead to greater collaboration, trust, and productivity. Interpersonal competence is a determinant of professional success.

• Stronger Community Ties: Building meaningful relationships within your community fosters a sense of shared purpose. Strong community ties contribute to social cohesion and can help address broader societal issues.

For further insights on building and maintaining healthy relationships, see the fundamental precepts of a healthy relationship. Robust relationships are foundational to a rich, full, and meaningful life.

What is the 15% rule in building relationships?

The 15% rule plays a crucial role in building meaningful relationships by promoting progressive disclosure and vulnerability. It encourages individuals to step slightly outside their comfort zones to foster deeper connections.

Here’s how you can apply the 15% rule in real-life scenarios:

1. Identify Your Comfort Zone: Understand what you are normally comfortable sharing. Recognize the boundaries of your safe space.

2. Step 15% Beyond Your Comfort Zone: Share just a bit more than you usually would. This might feel slightly uncomfortable, but it won’t be too overwhelming.

3. Observe the Reaction: Pay attention to how the other person responds. Is their reaction positive, neutral, or negative? This feedback helps you gauge how much more you can share.

4. Adjust Accordingly: Based on the feedback, either expand your comfort zone further or retreat a bit. The goal is to gradually increase the depth of your disclosures.

5. Build Reciprocal Vulnerability: Notice if the other person also starts sharing more. Progressive disclosure is often met with reciprocal vulnerability, strengthening the bond between you two.

By consistently applying the 15% rule, you develop stronger and more robust relationships while ensuring that the level of vulnerability is manageable and appropriate.

How can vulnerability improve your relationships?

Vulnerability is a powerful tool for deepening relationships. It allows for greater openness and honesty, fostering trust and emotional connection. Carole Robin emphasizes the importance of vulnerability:

"A willingness to be vulnerable makes you more, not less influential as a leader."

Being open about your feelings can transform how others perceive and relate to you. For example, instead of hiding your fears, share them.

"I am deeply worried and afraid that I am the only person here who is as concerned about this missed deadline as I am."

Such statements can bring people closer, building a foundation of trust and mutual understanding. The impact of vulnerability extends beyond personal relationships; it improves professional interactions, making you a more effective and empathetic leader.

For more insights on connecting better with others, see connection tips.

What are common mental models that hold us back?

Early in life, we develop mental models—beliefs and assumptions—that shape our behaviors and ways of thinking. While these can be useful, they often become limiting over time. Here are some common mental models that hold us back:

• Belief that Vulnerability Equals Weakness Many people think that showing vulnerability will make others see them as weak. This prevents them from forming deeper connections and trust.

• Assumption that Feedback Destroys Relationships Some believe that giving feedback will ruin relationships. This often stems from past experiences of poorly given or received feedback.

• Not Addressing Minor Irritations The idea that small issues aren't worth addressing can escalate into bigger problems. Over time, unresolved minor irritations can harm relationships.

Tips to Update Mental Models

1. Test New Beliefs: Challenge existing beliefs by testing new approaches. For instance, try being a bit more vulnerable and note the impact.

2. Reframe Feedback: Shift the perception that feedback is damaging. Practice giving constructive and supportive feedback.

3. Address Small Issues Early: Don’t let minor issues fester. Address them while they are still manageable to prevent escalation.

Recognizing and updating mental models can lead to improved potential and stronger relationships.

What are the three realities and how do they affect feedback?

Understanding the concept of the three realities can dramatically improve the way feedback is given and received. Here are the three realities:

• Reality 1: Your Intent This is your internal perspective, including your intentions, thoughts, and feelings. It's what you mean to convey through your actions and words.

• Reality 2: Your Behavior This reality includes the observable actions and words you use. It’s what others can see and hear. This behavior is the shared reality between you and the other person.

• Reality 3: The Other Person’s Perception This is how the other person interprets your behavior, based on their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It's the impact your actions have on them.

Knowing these three realities helps in crafting effective feedback. Stick to what you can directly observe (Reality 2) and avoid making assumptions about the other person's intent or feelings (Realities 1 and 3).

How to Use the Three Realities

• Stay on Your Side of the Net: Focus on your behavior and its observable impact rather than guessing the other person's thoughts or motivations.

• Use Clear and Specific Language: When giving feedback, describe specific behaviors without interpreting them. This reduces defensiveness and promotes understanding.

• Seek Clarification: Ask questions to understand the other person's perception and confirm your behavior's impact on them.

By staying on your side of the net and concentrating on observable behaviors, feedback becomes a tool for growth and stronger relationships.

How can you practice the art of inquiry?

The art of inquiry strengthens relationships by fostering understanding and empathy. Asking the right questions is crucial. Here’s how to practice it effectively:

• Suspend Judgment: Approach conversations without preconceived notions. Genuine curiosity encourages open dialogue.

• Avoid Yes/No Questions: Yes or no answers limit depth. Instead, ask open-ended questions that start with what, when, where, or how.

• Stay Away From "Why" Questions: Questions beginning with why can come off as accusatory, leading to defensiveness. A better approach would be, "What led to that decision?" instead of "Why did you do that?"

• Be Specific: Precise questions yield more useful information. For example, "What was your thought process during the project meeting?" is more effective than "What did you think about the meeting?"

• Use Follow-Ups: Follow-up questions show interest and help clarify points. For instance, "Can you tell me more about that?"

Mastering the art of inquiry involves genuine curiosity and clear questions. This approach not only enhances communication but also builds stronger, more meaningful relationships. For deeper self-awareness in practicing inquiry, refer to these self-awareness techniques.